New Year's Resolutions
How I Will Make My New Year’s Resolutions Stick
A
lot of people, like me, will have their determination on probation with the
same sense of caution as a jilted lover entering a new relationship. Once
bitten, twice shy. I tread carefully through those first days as I start to exercise,
eat new foods and refuse to indulge in their deliciously unhealthy
alternatives. I make all of these new choices under a gloomy sky of the
memories of my past failures. Each success is a new ray of light piercing the
clouds of doubt, increasing my belief that this year will be different. But the
clouds are thick and I am wary not to declare another false dawn. I keep a
secret of any early successes. I try to convince myself that this time is
different before I even try to convince others of my metamorphosis. Let me just
try to get through January without falling off the wagon. Then, I can let those
closest to me in on my magnificent personal triumph.
The
wariness is well founded, as many, like me, will return before month’s end to
the familiar cycle of self-loathing that comes with procrastination, as the
trek to the gym in the dark and cold of January struggles to compete with the
lure of the couch after a long day’s work and commute. I congratulate myself
for my earlier wisdom of not publicly declaring my intentions; the absence of
accountability provides relief, comfort and opportunity. And guilt. The gnawing
voice of self-criticism that so ably catalogs all the promises that I made to myself.
The inner voice that scolds me for the folly of thinking that this time would
be any different. The voice that tells me to forget my hopes and dreams and
return to the life I know of commuting, people problems and unfulfilling but
necessary work. The voice that reminds me of my responsibilities to others.
The
only consolation is that all those who accompany me each year through this rite
of passage, this journey of personal failure, have the good grace to do it as
silently as I do. All our unacknowledged hopes evaporate without ceremony and
recede into our psyches, chastened. There they will remain until one musters a
new sense of resolve to feel hopeful again. I am too busy keeping up with
everyday life throughout the year to consider that. Maybe once I have some time
off over the holidays, I might …..
Why
is this tale so familiar, so predictable, so repeatable, so inevitable? Am I
incapable of maintaining resolve? Am I morally weak? How can I explain such a
pattern of systematic failure? Is there any reason to think that this or any
future efforts to make meaningful change in my life can ever succeed? I
actually think that there is, but it will require a deeper level of
introspection, insight and self-acceptance than I normally bring to the
exercise.
So,
what is this deeper level of understanding that will provide a foundation for
future success in spite of such a rich history of failure? There are several
legs to the stool, namely:
1. Gratitude
If ever anything was
deserving of the hash-tag ‘#firstworldproblems’, it is the New Year’s
resolution, or for that matter, any recognition of the opportunity for
self-improvement. Security of food, shelter and personal safety must already be
assured before one can consider the luxury of a New Year’s resolution. Nobody
in the Third World makes resolutions. Nobody unsure of where they will sleep
tonight makes resolutions. Nobody who does not know how they will buy food for
their family makes resolutions.
So, the first thing to
acknowledge is how lucky I am to be able to worry about my resolve to improve
some areas of my life. Let’s use this as a starting point: life is already
pretty amazing for me. There are countless millions who would love to be
stressing about how to lose a few pounds or how they will make best use of
their spare time. Because that would mean that they have spare time. So I am grateful
to be in a position where I have the luxury to be concerned about my inner
resolve.
2. Life
is relentless. Plan accordingly.
Having established that
even discussing this subject means we are talking from a position of relative
privilege, I will make no qualms about discussing problems faced within that paradigm.
I have been lucky enough to have the last ten days off work, and without any
travel plans, had big ideas about what I would achieve over the course of my
two week ‘stay-cation’. While I have come up way short on several fronts, I
have gained a new appreciation and respect for how little time is available to
devote to anything beyond the norm.
Frankly, I do not know
how I have ever found the time to go to work. Even with that chunk of 10-12
hours of commute and office time now available to me, I have not been able to
get through the backlog of uncompleted tasks as each day seems to present new
and unexpected demands. Life is relentless; it does not take a day off. Finding
the time needed to concentrate on something new and challenging is difficult.
The time is there and can be found, but a lot of habits need to be changed in
order to liberate time. This will not happen overnight, but that does not mean that
it cannot happen. I want to be realistic about my expectations and time
horizons.
3. Awareness
of contradictory emotions
Having a realistic time
horizon for how long it will take to develop new habits contains an inherent
assumption that things cannot be done all at once. My critical inner-voice can
seize on this acceptance of the need for incremental steps as a lack of
commitment and a lack of motivation. It can turn a measured approach into an
accusation of sloth. My inner-voice is impatient for success and is dismissive
of rational plans to achieve success gradually. It conflates any attempts at being
kind to myself with being soft. It conflates any lack of visible short-term
results with a need for despondency. It urges me to quit.
Making good decisions in
the immediate term, that will eventually lead to positive results in the longer
term, is a difficult skill to master. Any slip-ups from the new regimen is used
by my inner-voice as a signal to take the off-ramp from this road to success
and declare immediate failure. It dismisses attempts to give myself a break and
sees any slip-up as sufficient grounds to abandon the entire enterprise.
But being kind to myself
and not allowing my mind to turn a slip-up into a catastrophe is at the core of
how I will be able to keep my focus on long-term benefits, even if the ‘what
happened just now’ picture is not ideal. Anticipating this kind of inner
turmoil gives me a chance to prepare for it and overcome it.
4. Personal
responsibility for the choices I make
Being kind to myself and
allowing an occasional lapse is all well and good, but at the end of the day, I
am solely responsible for the choices I make on how I spend my time. If I am
not doing what I hoped to be doing, it is not because life is unfair; it is not
because people are asking me to do stuff for them; it is not because work is
too stressful; it is not because the weather is foul. It is because I chose to
spend my time on something else. Period. The End. Whether that’s watching TV,
spending time on social networks, organizing fifteen years of digital photos,
reading a book or listening to music, they are all optional activities that I get
to decide whether or not they are the right thing to do right now. Success will
come from a lot of very small decisions I make every day on what to do with my
time.
5. Be
micro ambitious – like adding a single stitch to a tapestry
The
individual stitches of a tapestry provide little indication of their
contribution to the end result. But before the needle sews the first stitch,
there must be a vision of what the end result will look like. Each stitch sewn
using the right method in the right place is one stitch closer to completing
that vision. Putting the incomplete tapestry to one side to attend to more
pressing matters does not undo the stitches already sewn. It may take a moment
to remember where one left off once one resumes, but every pause doesn’t demand
starting from scratch each time. More of a, “Now, where was I?”, rather than an,
“Aw crap, I have to start from square one!”
This
year, I am going to think of goals as a finished tapestry, an intricate work
that will require daily dedication before I will see any perceptible results.
Each day will be an opportunity to add more stitches towards that work. Each
weekend will be an opportunity to reflect on whether I have made progress and
if not, to identify why not. I will identify changes that will be made the
following week to produce a better result. Each month will be an opportunity to
reflect on whether the finished work needs any tweaks to make sure the results
are achievable or if I need to break the depiction on the canvas into smaller
scenes.
Personal
change is a marathon, not a sprint. It is not completed on January 1st, or
January 2nd, or February 1st. Beautiful tapestries are not created in one day
or one month. However, the finished work is envisioned every day. Without
picturing the finished product, the actions that need to be taken at any given
minute, on any given day, have no context and do not make sense. That makes
them easy to skip once, then twice, then again and again. Until not doing them
becomes the norm, and what they were meant to achieve is forgotten.
Therefore,
I will use my high-school’s motto as my theme for 2015: “Cursum tenere”, or
“Hold your course.” Before I can hold my course, I have to know my destination.
I have to know it every day. I need resolve to get there. New Year’s Day is as
good a day as any to check my resolve. But it is also no better than any other
day. Let’s make 2015 the year where we drop the ‘New Year’ but where we keep the
‘resolution’, checking ours every day. That is how we will make our life the
beautiful tapestry we want it to be. Are you with me?
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